Jizz the SeasonI'm totally feeling anti Christmas.
Don't even want to deal with it. Can't really afford to buy gifts for anybody and I don't really care to get worthless bullshit gifts from anyone either. I hate the decorations, (Santa Style and Nativity) and Christmas lights on palm trees are fucking lame. "I've got a Christmas tree with little Corona bottle ornamennts," shut up loser, go wait in line with all the other fucking lemmings at the mall. Fuck reindeer, fuck the elves, fuck those annoying carols, and fuck you for wishing me a merry christmas. Warmest Holiday Wishes, The Stick Martin Show The Slide Whistle ChirpHey Fuckers,
A lot of people ask me about the slide whistle. "What's that flute thing called?" They'll say. Sometimes they will ask if they can try it themselves. The answer is no. Go spit into your own fucking child's toy. It really is a kid's toy, by the way. The cost about 2 dollars a piece. Anyhoo, no one ever asks me how I got started playing the slide whistle, but as I want to write something new in my blog. I'll tell you anyway. It all started back in the year 1999. I live in a small one room shack in Pennsylvania. A guitarist/ singer friend of mine named Adam Z and I used to get together for a thing called the Pimp Light Sessions. This basically consisted of a lamp with a red light bulb in it and some kind of psychadelic drug. Mushrooms, acid, E, whatever. Anyway, we'd get all fucked up, lock ourselves in that shack and jam for like 7 or 8 hours straight. Only stopping to smoke the occasional bowl. Other folks starting to show up to the shack for the Pimp Light Jams as well, but Adam and I were there every time. Well one night, Z shows up with a slide whistle. At first we tried to play actually melodies on it. Well that didn't sound too good and we gave up after a few minutes and that was that. However, later on that evening, (and quite a bit more inspired) I gave that slide whistle another try. This time I was trying to emulate a hip hop dj scrathing a record. We all fell on the floor and laugh liked hell. I began to pull out my new slide whistle trick for the next few weeks at shows and parties or wherever, and ofcourse that shit went over better than any actual song I've ever written. So I kept it up. The bucket thing is less of a story. I stole the idea from some black kids I saw doing it in New York. Big Brother MySpaceYa' know, I read something on a torrent site today about myspace. It said you are a fucking moron if you use myspace and it is something to be avoided like the plague. That stuff is weird. Someone, replied that it's a neo cultural advancement or some bullshit.
Anyway, if got me thinking. Rupert Murdock, (the guy that owns the Fox News Network) Just purchased MySpace from Tom I guess. Now, I don't know if your familiar with Rupert's politics, but to say he leans to the right is the fucking understatment of the year. He's in favor of things like the patriot act. He's in favor of the Bush administration invading your privacy. I'm sure you've heard about the government mining the files of cell phone companies. Anyway, read the fine print on myspace, they own everything and anything of yours that is in some way connected to your myspace page. That includes your private messages to your friends. If anyone who owns myspace wants to read your private emails, legally they can. Besides that, (if this all seems a little too conspiracy theory for you), a few months ago, my girlfriend and I were at Denny's eating some cheese fries late night. (Well, she doesn't really eat cheese fries, she probably got some bullshit salad. Salads from Denny's suck. They don't taste good, and they are actually not that good for you. But I digress...) Anyway, we were at Denny's and the place was almost totally empty. The only other folks in there were these three cops. Well, they had been on the look out for some teenage kid and they were talking about hunting him down on myspace to find out his whereabouts. Pretty fucked up. It's strange. I think people love myspace so much, because it's like they get to have they're own little reality show. Pictures, videos, even the musical soundtrack of your life playing in the back ground. Chances are, it's some bullshit emo song, by a boy wearing eye liner. Listen up you sad bastard boy bands in full on depression mode. If you want your dreamy baby blues to stand out, just come to my house and I will kick you in the fucking eyeball. Now that I think about it, maybe the comments I made about Denny's salads before wasn't that far off base. We are often presented with products or lifestyles that are supposed to make our lives better or healthier or more satisfying in some way. But in the end, they become just one more way for us to be controlled. I know all this shit is completely hypocritical, as I think I'm going to send this out as a myspace bulletin or something. Anyway, just something, to think about. Also stay tuned for extreme right wing propaganda, coming soon to your myspace page. Mike and Ike'sDid anyone else pretend Mike and Ike's Candy were uppers and downers when they were 10? I had a strange childhood. My parents weren't big pill heads or anything, that's just the type of shit we'd come up with while in the land of make believe. Did anyone else pretend Mike and Ike's Candy were uppers and downers when they were 10? I had a strange childhood. My parents weren't big pill heads or anything, that's just the type of shit we'd come up with while in the land of make believe.
Favorite TV Sluts And now a list of my favorite TV sluts:
1. Blanche from Golden Girls 2. Mona from Who's the Boss 3. Naomi from Mamma's Family 4. Jay Leno Happy Days Okay, does anyone else remember that on the first season of Happy Days, Richie and Joanie had an older bother named Chuck. He was kind of a jock type character. He was great at sports but not too good in class. Well anyway, for the second season they just dropped Chuck. They didn't even write him out of the show. They just dropped him. That type of shit pisses me off, ya' know what I'm saying. They could've just said he went to college or something, but no. They just never mentioned him again. What a bunch of bullshit. Screw you Mr. Cunninham. Screw you for letting them drop Chuck. What kind of father are you, sir?
A Time For ThanksThanksgiving is a special night,
Jimmy Walker used to say, "Dynomite!" First off Happy Thanksgiving, (or as I refer to it, Imperialism Day). And here's the top ten things we're thankful for this year: 10. Slide Whistle Groupies 9. People who aren't too cool to dance 8. Mojo Fish Burritos 7. Harlow finally stopped phoning it in 6. The new Jam Man sampler from Digitech 5. Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu and Grant (rides and flow) 4. De La Soul (they didn't actually do anything for the band, but damn it, nobody talks about De La Soul anymore. I don't just mean 3 Feet High and Rising, but De La Soul is Dead and Bahlune Mindstate. All you fucking kids cranking shitty hip hop out of your SUV's. Go buy some De La, you assholes). 3. Stick losing his virginity in early August 2. All of our people who come out and support and love us and help us out. We you love guys. You make our life more wonderful than you could ever know. 1. Delicious pumkin pie FriendsHey there everybody,ya' know what I just noticed.
That show Friends is on like 20 different TV stations and they play that shit like at least four times a day on each different channel. What the shit is going on here? Is this like the only television program we all collectively as a nation can agree to watch? What a bunch of white bread, middle of the road, set in New York, but actually shot in LA bunch of American cheeze. Friends is on more than Seinfield and the Simpsons combined. Also, that is the worst fuckin' theme song of all time. Do you remember they were actually playing that shit on the radio when the show first came out. And another thing, do you all remember, way back in the day when TBS used to start all their shows five minutes late. Brady Bunch at 6:05. What the hell was that about? I guess that's a little of subject though. Sorry. Oh and yeah, if you ever see me and my friends splashing around in a fountain, please shoot me in the face with an uzi. Thank you and God bless America. DancingHow's it going everybody?
Man, those shows at Frenchy's last week rocked. We thought our sound system sounded shitty, but some people said it was really good. Anyway, lots of people danced and that always makes for a good show. I wish people danced more. I wish people danced from the second we started playing until we've played our very last note. I wish there was like twenty kids hanging out when we practice, dancing the whole time even if it's like the hundreth time we've ran through a song and still can't nail the bridge. I wish more people knew how to break dance. I wish people would dance the electric slide when we play Marvin Gaye. I wish Jeff Johnson would do 101 of his crazy leg splits every set. I wish Drue would do the Carlton Shuffle more. And where the hell is the Su Shimmy? I haven't seen that shit in monthes. Have you ever heard that song by the Violent Femmes, Dance, Motherfucker, Dance? I wish people would play that song and dance. I like when slutty girls dance like stippers and when hippy chics dance by spinning in a circle. I wish Japanese kids would set up like ten of those Dance Dance Revolution arcade games at our shows and flip the hell out. I wish the Puerto Rican kid on that shitty dance show on UPN at like 4PM would tag his man. Believe it our not, but when Stick was in 5th grade he used to attend YMCA dances dressed as Flava Flav from Public Enemy. (Girls did not dance with him). Anyway, my point is you bastards should dance more. Go ahead freak out. Get drunk if that's what it takes. Grow some balls and ask that hottie to dance with you. Plus, you 'll remember from your old copy of Sweatin' to the Oldies with Richard Simmons, that dancing is great excise and can help you fatties lose a few pounds. The Onion Dear god almighty, I love the Onion. If you don't know about it, you're really missing out. They give it away free every Wednesday, I think in New York City. That's where I first came across it. It basically a parody of american newspapers. It is consistently the funniest thing in print. I think my favorite headline of all time is, "Christ returns to the NBA." If you want you can check it out by clicking here. (which will lead you to theonion.com.
I truly love this shit and I hit this site probably once a day. It's updated weekly but there is a shit load of content every week. Also, they've got a few books printed too, so next time your at Borders getting some faggity latte bullshit, grab a copy and check it out there. Now you know and knowing is half the battle. I love my pet peeves!Okay this is the place where I'm going to tell you all about my pet peeves. There so cute and cuddley. I pick a few of them up from the pet store every week or so. There especially friendly if you raise them from birth. Anyway, I was also thinking about using this blog space for talking about things that annoy me. You know, things that really get under my skin. Like for instance, Bono. Fuck that guy.
House of CosbysOkay basically I am going to talk about the things that entertain or annoy me in this blog. First up, I love the fucking internet. I've seen so many amazing, and hilarious, and down right life affirming pictures and videos on the internet. (And that, of course, is just the porn). Anyway, this week I'll be telling you about a cartoon I saw called House of Cosbys, it's about this guy who ends up cloning Bill Cosby a bunch of times. There's four real episode, plus a fan created fifth, there's actually some legal action going on from Bill Cosby's lawyers, so this video is getting harder to find. Google it, or try torrents or lime wire or something. It's fucking hilarious, Theoooooooooooo...
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